Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
50% drunk capacity currently
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
