haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
And then he peed in my hair
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