I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Randomize
