he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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