um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
