Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
