I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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