bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
everyone is single if you try hard enough
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
