I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
