I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
