i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
