If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
