I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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