U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
