He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
