we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
