so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
