I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
