I bet he comes in French.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
