Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
everyone is single if you try hard enough
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.