I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
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