I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
19 People Confess The Worst Things They Have Been Accused Of
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later