Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
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His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
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I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
His crazy is a thing to be cherished