i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
