nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
