I want to walk on stilts...naked
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
