At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Randomize
