if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Redeem this text for a blowjob
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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