ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
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