This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
