I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I just want to make out with him forever
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
