I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
