Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
