I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Randomize
