the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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