the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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