so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
