It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
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the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
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I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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