Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
