I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
