Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Randomize
