wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
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