I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
