the only muscles i have these days is kegels
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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