he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
