there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
