Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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