I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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