The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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