Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
