Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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