someone owes me an orgasm
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
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No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
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He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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