dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Say something about gay babies.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
