i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
no you cant smoke seaweed
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
