ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
