The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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