Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
